Several years ago, I was in bible study and met a woman who had recently lost her newborn son. He had a genetic disorder and was stillborn. My heart broke for her. Although I had lost two children to miscarriage, I honestly couldn't fathom surviving such a loss.
That is what happens when your child dies; you cannot fathom living without them. But, you have no choice. The harsh reality is that you must keep living; you just survive. And that is where I have found myself the past few months...in the depths of depression, desperately clinging to life. I feel helplessly torn between two worlds. So much of my heart is in Heaven and longs to be there, where there is no more pain, no more hurt, no more tears. In that place, I can hold three of my children in my arms. I see Dillon's face--he is alive, eyes open, beautiful, healthy and strong. But, I know the other part of me belongs here, where the rest of my family -- my husband, son and daughter -- need me. If I were gone, what would become of them? They would be cared for, yes, and life would inevitably go on, but no one would love them like I do. I must stay for them. I must keep living for them. I know this. Deep in my soul, tears burning down my face, I know this. So, I breathe a heavy breath of life. I too will survive this.
Grief is such a taboo thing. Many times, I have hesitated and withdrawn from posting things online because I have not wanted to be the "sad" person on people's social media feeds. Sadness can be tolerated for a while, but life must go on. For a grieving person, this is impossible. I have found that it is quite awkward to move to a new town a week after your newborn dies, not only because you are an obvious wreck on the inside, but because you still look pregnant. The body that graciously housed your precious baby for 8+ months now betrays you by not immediately returning to its former self. This leaves you vulnerable to well-meaning comments such as: "when are you due" and "oh you are pregnant!" Although, if people knew the horrific situation, they would, I hope, refrain from such comments, they cut like a knife all the same. Attempting to make friends at a time when my life is falling apart has also proven to be one of the most difficult things I have ever done. Talk about coming to a relationship with a lot of baggage! I jokingly say it feels something like, "Hi, I'm a complete mess. I'm lonely, depressed and not much fun. Will you please be my friend?" Thankfully, I have met a few women who have graciously welcomed me with open arms instead of turning and running the opposite direction! They continue to pursue friendship with me at a time when I know it would be easier not to, and for that I am forever grateful. I share this with you, why? To say that, with the help of others, I am surviving.
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| "Treasure" Spiral Shell (Top) |
5 1/2 months...sometimes, it seems as if time is standing still. We are almost through 1/2 of our year of firsts as they call it in "grief." We have been living at the beach for 5 months now, during the off-season. Ironically, this is my favorite time of year in this place. The beach is often empty, cold, windy; the waves rough and the seas restless. Yet other times, the water is peacefully calm, tranquil even, as the sun beams down, glistening on the water as the dolphins glide through the surf. When the waves crash, and the tides recede, treasure is left on the sand to be collected before it is swept back out with the current. Much like the seasons of life, the off-season in this place mirrors the off-season of my soul as I grieve for my son. As I admire the different shells, shark teeth and sea glass, I can't help but notice how unique each one is and find myself wondering where their journey began and where the ocean current took them before ending up on this particular beach, at this moment, with me? The sea glass once so sharp and jagged has long been smoothed by the churning of the sea. I imagine my own life and the blunt edges I feel from the pain of losing Dillon. Over time, will God smooth those edges? Will I be as beautiful as this piece of glass one day? Recently, as I walked along the shoreline, I began to pray. For the first time in a long time, I completely gave over to God many things I had been holding on to: Fears. Hopes. Dreams. Pain. Everything. It was liberating. As I breathed in the salt air, I looked down through tears and saw the most perfect spiral shell. I had never found one completely intact before and was overwhelmed with happiness. Then, the irony of the moment struck me....God doesn't want pieces of me or bits of my situations. He wants all of me. He wants me to trust Him with everything. I long for a time when life will be filled with sunshine and happiness again. But for now, I will keep my eyes focused upward, keep looking for treasure and keep surviving this off-season.
The Lord is near the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. -Psalm 34:18
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. -Revelation 21:4
I wait for the LORD, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope. -Psalm 130:5
A song I often find myself singing as I walk along the shoreline is Oceans by Hillsong United. You can listen to it by clicking here. These are some lyrics that I find especially impactful...
You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand
So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
“But where shall wisdom be found?
And where is the place of understanding?
Man does not know its worth,
and it is not found in the land of the living.
The deep says, ‘It is not in me,’
and the sea says, ‘It is not with me.’
It cannot be bought for gold,
and silver cannot be weighed as its price.
It cannot be valued in the gold of Ophir,
in precious onyx or sapphire.
Gold and glass cannot equal it,
nor can it be exchanged for jewels of fine gold.
No mention shall be made of coral or of crystal;
the price of wisdom is above pearls.
The topaz of Ethiopia cannot equal it,
nor can it be valued in pure gold.
-Job 28:12-19
“God understands the way to it,
“God understands the way to it,
and he knows its place.
For he looks to the ends of the earth
and sees everything under the heavens.
When he gave to the wind its weight
and apportioned the waters by measure,
when he made a decree for the rain
and a way for the lightning of the thunder,
then he saw it and declared it;
he established it, and searched it out.
And he said to man,
‘Behold, the fear of the Lord, that is wisdom,
and to turn away from evil is understanding.’
-Job 28:23-28
