Almost one year and the pain remains...
Last September, I remember leaving the hospital after being there for six days and the neurologist said, "I will guess and say the pain may last for 6-8 weeks, but to be honest, I have never seen or heard of a case like yours, so I really have no idea how long it will take to heal." (hmmmm....that sounds as comforting now as it did then)!
For those of you that haven't been following my blog since the beginning or cannot remember what happened...here are the cliff notes. When I was delivering Dillon, the anesthesiologist punctured the dura of my spine while trying to insert an epidural, which caused a spinal fluid leak. He called in a second anesthesiologist who ended up setting the epidural, which didn't really work anyway. This puncture rarely happens, but, when something goes wrong with the epidural, it is not considered uncommon. Here is where it gets strange... I had two blood patches to fix the leak. During the first one, the anesthesiologist actually punctured the dura of my spine again and incorrectly injected the blood into my CSF (Cerebral Spinal Fluid). We didn't discover this issue until a week and a half after I delivered Dillon. I had a debilitating headache that landed me in the hospital for six days and, after multiple tests and various medications, an MRI showed a mass (blood) in my spine. After it was all said and done, I had been stuck with a needle in my epidural space five times, could barely move my back without intense pain, and was diagnosed with post-postpartum preeclampsia and a UTI. I was determined to find another case like mine. I researched online, talked to doctors, and even went to see one of the top neurologists at Duke University. Unfortunately, he couldn't tell me much more than my previous neurologist, but did prescribe a medication that provided some, albeit temporary, relief. He also gave me a name for the pain in my head: primary thunderclap headache, which is characterized by the intense, sudden shooting pain that begins in a particular area, like a clap of thunder.
In the beginning, right after the epidural injury, I had an ongoing headache for 18 weeks. I could barely move and cried from back pain when attempting to do the simplest tasks. I couldn't lift my children and even struggled to bend over to change my daughter's diaper. It was then I understood what people with chronic pain felt like...it just becomes a part of your everyday...you deal with it because you have no other choice. On top of the emotional pain from losing Dillon, I struggled with the physical pain and the lack of answers. I found myself not only grieving my son, but the loss of my own health as well. At one point, it was suggested by a doctor that my grief and pain were connected and that it would only take time for my body and mind to heal. But where did that leave me? To endure this suffering for an unknown amount of time, until my brain decides enough is enough?
I continued searching...looking for answers. I tried a variety of medications, essential oils, physical therapy, dry needling, therapeutic yoga, himalayan salt lamps, and changing parts of my diet, but every time only received a temporary fix.
After the first of the year, I felt the Lord was trying to tell me something through all of these unanswered questions....My grace is sufficient. To be honest, I thought, “Okay, I like that verse (2 Corinthians 12:9), but what does that supposed to mean for me? What does that look like in real life?”
As I began diving into the concept of grace, I found my mindset shifting. In "Be Still My Soul, Embracing God's Purpose & Provision in Suffering," (a book by Nancy Guthrie that includes 25 classic & contemporary readings on the problem of pain), J.I. Packer says this about hoped-for healing:
(For reference, here is the scripture he is discussing)
So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that is should leave me. But he said to me,
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12: 7-10
It was not for want of prayer that Paul's thorn went unhealed. He explained to the Corinthians what Christ's response was as he prayed about it. "He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness'" (v.9). It was as if the Savior was saying "I can demonstrate my power better by not eliminating your problem. It is better for you, Paul, and for my glory in your life, that I show my strength by keeping you going though the thorn remains."
Packer goes onto say that God uses chronic pain and weakness, along with other afflictions, as his chisel for sculpting our lives. Felt weakness deepens dependence on Christ for strength each day. The weaker we feel, the harder we lean. And the harder we lean, the stronger we grow spiritually, even while our bodies waste away. To live with your "thorn" uncomplainingly, sweet, patient, and free in the heart to love and help others, even though every day you feel weak, is true sanctification. It is true healing for the spirit. It is a supreme victory of grace. The healing of your sinful person thus goes forward even though the healing of your mortal body does not. And the healing of persons is the name of the game so far as God is concerned.
Another conclusion that Packer makes is concerning our behavior when we are ill. Maybe we shall receive healing in the form in which Paul asked for it. Maybe, however, we shall receive it in the form in which Paul received it. We have to be open to both.
As I read this for the first time, I thought....does that mean these migraines and back pain will never go away? And I definitely don't feel as though I have always been "uncomplaining, sweet, patient and free in the heart to love and help others." But then I considered....maybe I don't need to have all of the answers; maybe I don’t need to find another case such as mine; maybe the purpose of this pain is to teach me about grace so that I will learn that my God is enough, even if healing never comes. It was then that I felt like some of the bricks were lifted; I could give this to God and let the outcome be what He wills.
Around the six month mark, I decided to come off of some of my medication because I didn't like the potential side effects and began to see a holistic doctor. The Lord brought some healing and relief in a very unexpected way and for that I am eternally grateful. After 10 months, my back pain lifted and I was able to work out again, and after months of therapeutic yoga, physical therapy and dry needling, I regained my yoga practice. Finally, the frequency of my migraines reduced to several times a day, then daily, then every few days, and eventually I started going weeks between headaches and even had a one-month span around month 11 where I was headache-free. It was at this point, I thought, maybe they are gone! But, then I experienced a massive migraine followed by an additional five headaches in 14 days. I still have no explanation why some days I get migraines and other days I do not, but I am thankful everyday I make it without taking medicine.
So, here we are, almost one year into this journey through grief and pain. If someone had told me last September that I would still be battling this physical pain one year later, I would have collapsed in defeat; however, the Lord has provided sufficient grace to get through each day. With that said, I recognize that resting in the sufficiency of God’s grace sounds like a stereotypical Sunday morning catch-phrase, but, through this experience, God has shown me that it is true; that is enough; and, quite frankly, that it is a struggle to believe and apply. I find the need to preach this truth to myself daily; to remind myself that He is enough and that in Him alone will I find rest. It is my prayer that this post reaches someone struggling to find purpose in their own pain.
Well, everybody's got a story to tell
And everybody's got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there's beauty here
'Cause oh, I get so tired of holding on
I can't let go, I can't move on
I want to believe there's meaning here
How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
Standing on a road I didn't plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise
How many times have you heard me cry out
God please take this?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
Though I walk,
Though I walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid
Please stay, please stay right beside me
With every single step I take
How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?
How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
I need you now
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
I need you now
I need you now
Be Still, My Soul: Embracing God's Purpose and Provision in Suffering Copyright 2010, by Nancy Guthrie, published by Crossway Books
Excerpted from God's Plans for You copyright 2001, by J.I. Packer, published by Crossway Books
Songwriters: Christina Wells / Luke Sheets / Tiffany Lee
Need You Now lyrics © DO Write Music LLC, Mike Curb Music
