Finding Stillness in the Midst of Chaos

Today I am 27 weeks and two days pregnant--almost to the 3rd Trimester! I praise the Lord I have been able to carry this sweet boy thus far and pray for the weeks and months to come. In my quiet time this week, the Lord has been teaching me to be still and trust Him. But what does this trust look like? As I am taken deeper into this journey, I am realizing that trust is a choice I must commit to daily -- it is not a one and done decision. Some days it seems like an easier option than other days, but a decision I am faced with regardless.

I want to share a song that has been on my mind a lot this week-- a song that I have desperately wept to as well as a song that has brought me great comfort. You can listen to it via YouTube by clicking here: Word of God Speak by Mercy Me

These lyrics have been especially powerful:

Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness
Word of God speak

Several of you have asked specifically how you can pray for us during this time. Here are some things happening in the next 2-3 weeks that we would appreciate your prayers for:

1) Doctor appointments: This week, we will have another ultrasound with the high risk doctor, as well as a meeting with the grief counselor at the hospital where we will deliver. Please pray specially for the meeting with the counselor as we will be preparing Dillon's birth plan, immediate medical treatment decisions, arranging pediatric care if needed after birth, as well as preparing for cremation services (if necessary). These are, obviously, very difficult decisions that we honestly don't want to have to think about when preparing for the birth of our child. Please pray for strength, peace of mind and that Chris and I will be able to walk through these heavy emotions hand in hand as we trust in the Lord for comfort and guidance.

The first week of August we will also meet with a new OB doctor (for the hospital where we will hopefully deliver) as well as an appointment for a fetal echocardiogram to determine exactly what is wrong with Dillon's heart.

2) Upcoming move(s): We will be moving from our home at the end of this month and are currently in the process of taking our things to storage. We are thankful for family and good friends and their willingness to help us during this transition. We will move into a furnished home for about 40 days and then move again for about 9 months. After that time, we will move once again for about 10-12 months before our next assignment, which will probably be another 10-12 month move. Needless to say, I am trying to take one move at a time and think of each as it's own adventure. Please pray specifically for energy to finish packing/moving, that Chris and I will have patience with one another and the kids, for check outs/ins to go smoothly and that the kids would transition well in the midst of chaos!

3) Adjusting to a new area: With the military, we are accustomed to constant change, but that doesn't make it easier. Please pray for Chris' new job, the start of a new preschool for the kids, friends to keep me company when the days get long and especially for a Church family that we will all grow in.

4) Yoga teacher training: I am in the last two months of a 7 month teacher training. Although when I began my training I didn't realize life was going to get so crazy, I want to finish strong. Please pray that this would be a way to release stress instead of just an addition to an already packed "to do" list.

When I think of all that has to happen in the next few weeks, it seems intensely overwhelming. The weight of these things individually are enough, but together they become suffocating.

One of my devotions this week spoke directly to my heart. Hopefully, it will provide you with some comfort as well if you are in the midst of of a storm:

"DO NOT WORRY ABOUT TOMORROW! This is not a suggestion, but a command. I divided time into days and nights, so that you could have manageable portions of life to handle. My grace is sufficient for you, but its sufficiency is for only one day at a time. When you worry about the future, you heap day upon day of troubles onto your flimsy frame. You stagger under this heavy load, which I never intended you to carry.

Throw off this oppressive burden with one quick thrust of trust. Anxious thoughts meander about and crisscross in your brain, but trusting Me brings you directly into My Presence. As you thus affirm your faith, shackles of worry fall off instantly. Enjoy My Presence continually by trusting Me at all times. "

--Jesus Calling by Sarah Young

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. 

--Matthew 6:34

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 

--2Corinthians 12: 9

Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. 

--Psalm 62:8

Embracing the Unknown

Restless…that is how I would describe sleep tonight. I lie awake with a million thoughts and emotions running through my mind…anxiety, hurt, denial, pain, anguish, fear, hope, love. Finally, I give up on the idea of sleep and, thus, I find myself here, at 2 a.m., in the quiet of my living room, pouring thoughts into the creation of this blog. To be honest, I have been toying with the idea ever since we received Dillon’s Trisomy 18 (T18) diagnosis. But where to begin…how to put all of my feelings into anything resembling a coherent thought? Exhausted and somewhat defeated, I relent. So, here it is…pure. raw. emotion. It is my hope that somehow, amidst my broken heart and empty words, someone sees the beauty of God’s love—somewhere, someone finds hope in the struggles of their own storms.

We are not promised a life without pain. I know this. Despite this, or perhaps because of it, I put my trust in my God. Not just the idea of God, but the living, breathing God. God of the Universe. God the Father. The full expression of God in the Trinity…Father, Son & Holy Spirit.

I lay Dillon’s life, his precious, helpless, beautiful, flawless life in the arms of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. But does that mean I live without the fear of the unknown? No. Does that mean I do not dread the day I have to hold his little body and tell him goodbye? No. The tears come, like waves in a crashing sea; they rush over me, choking my ability to breathe, and then they slow into a steady stream, washing to shore the remnants of their wrath. I know I cannot go there. I cannot let fear get a foothold or I will be sucked into the unknown and attempt to play out different scenarios in my mind. Will I carry my son to term? Or, will he die inside of me? Will I be able to meet him, look into his eyes, feel his little soul? Or, will I be robbed of that experience and be left to hold the shell of his body? The word and idea is heavy…stillborn. Will he be strong, both in spirit and body? Or will the effects of T18 burden him to a debilitating state…leaving him gasping for breath and life?

These are my greatest fears, I think. Or is it that he will live? If so, how long will he be with us and what is the quality of his life to be? It is any mother’s hope to keep their child, but also to protect them, somehow, from pain and harm…but mostly, especially, to ensure they feel loved. wanted. treasured.

My heart is heavy with these thoughts, and then, I feel a kick…a tiny little kick that sends me so quickly back to the present. I stop and I remember, Dillon is here, alive with me now, safe in my womb. I don’t want to live in fear…I want to celebrate my son, Dillon Edward Allen, no matter how long his life may be. That, thankfully, is out of my hands. I pray I do not have to make a decision between life and death in the future, but I quickly dismiss that fear for another day. Today, I choose joy. I choose trust. I choose love.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

Jeremiah 29:11