Embracing the Unknown

Restless…that is how I would describe sleep tonight. I lie awake with a million thoughts and emotions running through my mind…anxiety, hurt, denial, pain, anguish, fear, hope, love. Finally, I give up on the idea of sleep and, thus, I find myself here, at 2 a.m., in the quiet of my living room, pouring thoughts into the creation of this blog. To be honest, I have been toying with the idea ever since we received Dillon’s Trisomy 18 (T18) diagnosis. But where to begin…how to put all of my feelings into anything resembling a coherent thought? Exhausted and somewhat defeated, I relent. So, here it is…pure. raw. emotion. It is my hope that somehow, amidst my broken heart and empty words, someone sees the beauty of God’s love—somewhere, someone finds hope in the struggles of their own storms.

We are not promised a life without pain. I know this. Despite this, or perhaps because of it, I put my trust in my God. Not just the idea of God, but the living, breathing God. God of the Universe. God the Father. The full expression of God in the Trinity…Father, Son & Holy Spirit.

I lay Dillon’s life, his precious, helpless, beautiful, flawless life in the arms of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. But does that mean I live without the fear of the unknown? No. Does that mean I do not dread the day I have to hold his little body and tell him goodbye? No. The tears come, like waves in a crashing sea; they rush over me, choking my ability to breathe, and then they slow into a steady stream, washing to shore the remnants of their wrath. I know I cannot go there. I cannot let fear get a foothold or I will be sucked into the unknown and attempt to play out different scenarios in my mind. Will I carry my son to term? Or, will he die inside of me? Will I be able to meet him, look into his eyes, feel his little soul? Or, will I be robbed of that experience and be left to hold the shell of his body? The word and idea is heavy…stillborn. Will he be strong, both in spirit and body? Or will the effects of T18 burden him to a debilitating state…leaving him gasping for breath and life?

These are my greatest fears, I think. Or is it that he will live? If so, how long will he be with us and what is the quality of his life to be? It is any mother’s hope to keep their child, but also to protect them, somehow, from pain and harm…but mostly, especially, to ensure they feel loved. wanted. treasured.

My heart is heavy with these thoughts, and then, I feel a kick…a tiny little kick that sends me so quickly back to the present. I stop and I remember, Dillon is here, alive with me now, safe in my womb. I don’t want to live in fear…I want to celebrate my son, Dillon Edward Allen, no matter how long his life may be. That, thankfully, is out of my hands. I pray I do not have to make a decision between life and death in the future, but I quickly dismiss that fear for another day. Today, I choose joy. I choose trust. I choose love.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

Jeremiah 29:11