No one ever told me that grief feels so like fear. -- C.S. Lewis
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear. -- Mark Twain
Let your faith be bigger than your fear. -- Unknown
The brave may not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all. -- Meg Cabot
Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement
that something else is more important than one's fear. -- Ambrose Redmoon
Since losing Dillon, my relationship with fear has changed. The fear of "What if?" has always existed, but when my child died, I was no longer immune to it. Suddenly, anything could happen and I feared that it would…
Early on, after I came home from the hospital, I vividly remember sitting on the couch resting while my husband changed the HVAC air filter. Normally, this would not be a stressful situation; however, in the home we were renting at the time, the filter vent was on the wall near the vaulted ceiling, about 15 feet above a spiral metal staircase going to the ground floor. My sweet children wanted to help Daddy, and thus my 2.5 year old daughter was climbing the ladder suspended over the opening to the stairwell. I tried to remain calm, breathe and remind myself everything would be okay. We had family visiting and I didn't want to act like a crazy person, but when I saw my husband look away from our girl, I felt fear rise in my throat. Panic overcame me and I just knew she was going to fall to her death. I would lose her too...right before my eyes. Fear won.
Another day, I was home alone with the kids. It was a beautiful day and they wanted to ride their bikes. “Okay,” I thought, “we need to get out and into the fresh air.” The home we were renting was in a beach town on a main street with houses facing the ocean. Despite this, it was the off season and the road seldom got traffic, especially in the middle of the day. “I can do this,” I thought, “this will be fun and good for everyone.” So we set out, my son on his new bike and my daughter on her new (to her) balance bike. All was well, until I heard the car turn down the street. "Why was he going so fast? Didn't he see us? Why wasn't he slowing down?" I was torn equally between my son and my daughter. My boy, adventurously going ahead and my daughter unfortunately falling behind as she toppled over her small bike and into the sand on the side of the road. Everything happened in slow motion. Fear set in. My heart started beating faster and faster. Pure panic and complete loss of control overtook me. I yelled for both kids to get to the side of the road. I felt irrational anger toward the driver. "Didn't he know what I had been through? Of course he didn't. He was probably young and oblivious to the dangers of driving on a street with children just learning to ride." The moment passed and we all emerged unharmed, but my mind showed me how bad it could have been. I quickly barked to my children that we were going back home. I then realized that we were only about 50 ft from our house. We only got 50 ft before I almost had a nervous breakdown or a heart attack. Once again, Fear won.
-The fear of death. The fear of facing another loss.
-The safety and health of my living children, my husband, myself
-Health fears...will these headaches ever go away? Will I ever be strong again?
-The fear of another pregnancy – will the baby be healthy? Another epidural? Will I even get pregnant? What if I do? What if I don't? If I do, will that hypothetical child die as well? Will I ever have more children? Can I even handle more children?
-The fear of failure; of not being enough
-The fear that comes with grief – will I ever feel like myself again? Will I always struggle with depression? Does grief ever end?
So.Much.Fear...I want to be free from it. I am tired, exhausted with the burden of carrying it any longer. Finally, I lay it down.
Somewhere along the way, God has taught me that these blessings I am holding are gifts. My husband and children...they're not mine. I must hold them loosely in my hands and entrust them to Him. Future pregnancies? My unborn children are His as well. I can plan as best as I know how, but at the end of the day, He is in control, not me. So, in place of fear, I will take His peace instead. Isn't that what He has been trying to teach me through this blog...my plans, no matter how well laid, how good, may not necessarily be His plans for me? Just as I daily lay my plans at His feet, I will daily lay my most precious blessings there as well.
There is a line in one of my favorite songs that says,
"There's a place where fear has to face the God you know."
Fear will not win.
Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. Isaiah 43:1b-2 ESV
The Lord Almighty has sworn this oath: "It will all happen as I have planned. It will come about according to my purposes. I have a plan for the whole earth, for my mighty power reaches through the world. The Lord almighty has spoken--Who can change his plans? When his hand moves, who can stop him? Isaiah 14:24, 26-27 NLT
Oh, my soul
Oh, how you worry
Oh, how you’re weary, from fearing you lost control
This was the one thing, you didn’t see coming
And no one would blame you, though
If you cried in private
If you tried to hide it away, so no one knows
No one will see, if you stop believing
Oh, my soul
You are not alone
There’s a place where fear has to face the God you know
One more day, He will make a way
Let Him show you how, you can lay this down
‘Cause you’re not alone
Here and now
You can be honest
I won’t try to promise that someday it all works out
‘Cause this is the valley
And even now, He is breathing on your dry bones
And there will be dancing
There will be beauty where beauty was ash and stone
This much I know
I’m not strong enough, I can’t take anymore
(You can lay it down, you can lay it down)
And my shipwrecked faith will never get me to shore
(You can lay it down, you can lay it down)
Can He find me here
Can He keep me from going under
Oh, my soul
You’re not alone
(Mark Hall, Bernie Herms)
© 2016 Be Essential Songs (BMI) (adm. by Essential Music Publishing LLC) / My Refuge Music (BMI) (adm. at CapitolCMGPublishing.com) / Songs of Universal, Inc. (BMI) / G650 Music (BMI)
Music video by Casting Crowns performing Oh My Soul (Official Lyric Video). (C) 2016 Provident Label Group LLC, a unit of Sony Music Entertainment
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